Journal of A Stern Ritter
by mixedprotector
Summary: Stern Ritter C - The Catalyst had been recently ordered by Ywhach to keep a journal. He obeyed as he's supposed to... But will he continue to do so, as flashes of the past he cannot remember (supposedly due to his capture at the hands of soul reapers and only recent rescue) will continue? And what of his burgeoning and confusing feelings for His Majesty?
1. Chapter 1

_Hello journal._

_His Majesty mentioned that writing feelings down in order to try and understand them would be a good idea, because you can go back and read what you wrote when you were feeling that emotion when you're calmer so that you can try and see what was going through your head so that you can be calmer and more rational…_

_So here it goes… I… I was training with His Majesty and a couple of the other Stern Ritter two on two, with myself and Bambietta on one side, with Haschwalth-sama and His Majesty on the other.. I know, not much of a contest as we were going to lose as they lead us for many reasons, one of which being that they are so powerful…_

_But I was fighting pretty well and it was a two on two spar, as we're trying to prepare to destroy those horrible Soul Reapers who had slaughtered so many of us… But I've never met a soul reaper… But why? Why would they kill us? … Sorry, I'm getting off topic._

_So I was sparring directly with His Majesty – I prefer a sword to a bow anyways and His Majesty is of course the best swordsman… I'm always so honored when he gives me attention and… And I did seem to be winning – though he was going easy on me so that I can learn how to fight properly and I was close to landing a hit on his body – not that I would have hurt His Majesty as the training swords are dull and I would never hurt Him…_

_He…He… He smiled at me! Like an actual warm, approving smile and my whole body just locked up completely and I had no idea how to respond and I just… I think I blushed and might have passed out because the next thing I remember was waking up in the infirmary, getting poked and prodded._

_Apparently something happened and I did pass out… Because his majesty __**smiled**__ at me… What… What could this possibly mean? I'm such an idiot… I really shouldn't have… But He's so… He's so strong and confident and and and I get this strange bubbly feeling in my stomach and my heart races whenever I see him and his voice… Oh… It…_

_It sends shivers down my spine… His scent is enough to distract me if I don't know where he is, or haven't seen him in a while…_

_That's another thing that's odd… My senses are a __**lot **__sharper than the other stern ritter. I can see and hear and smell things a lot better and from further away than they can… And my eyes sometimes turn a bright yellow when I'm angry… At least that's what Bazz and Cang say… I wonder what that means… _

_Am I getting sick? But I don't feel those things around the others… Just around his majesty… I want… I want… I don't know what I want. I will serve him loyally for the rest of my life, and I will protect and defend him and his interests to my dying breath…_

_But why do I feel all floaty and fluttery around him? It makes no sense…_

_Well I've written in this faaar too much today I think. If anyone is reading this I, Kurosaki Ichigo, Stern Ritter C of His Majesty's Stern Ritter will __**murder**__ you in cold blood._


	2. Chapter 2

_Hello again journal._

_I am the biggest, dumbest, most idiotic moron to ever shuffle about on the earth or in Wandenreich. I should just find a group of shinigami and take them out as they kill me. That would be an honorable way to commit suicide. Maybe I should attack one of the captains? _

_Besides death would be preferable. I am such a fool. Why why why why whyyyyy did I do that? His Majesty was giving a speech and I got lost in his voice I couldn't remember what he said and __god help me the illness is getting worse. __And when one of the other stern ritter asked which part I liked most I said it was "the part where he was talking and it was cool." _

_The worst part was that His Majesty was close and could have heard me… Ugh… Someone kill me… I was trying to pay attention but there is something so very distracting about His Majesty! I'm a horrible subordinate…_


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: two chapters today because they are relatively short

_Hi again journal..._

_I almost was caught by a soul reaper today, in the world of the living. His Majesty agreed to me seeing my little sisters, so long as I am careful and don't get caught – they're too young to get involved in this, and as their just coming into their spiritual pressure, it would be a bad idea to bring them to Wandenreich as of yet. At least that's what his majesty says, and thus I believe it._

_I told them about the "internship" that I was going through – how I was learning so much, and how much fun everything was, making sure to stick to the half-truths that His Majesty had told me to tell them… I really don't want them caught up in this war against the damn shinigami, so I'll lie and shield them from the war as best as I can._

_So how does this mean Soul Reaper? Well… I was just about to sneak out of the house – my 'father' was about to come back from conferring with a known and dangerous Soul Reaper by the name of Kisuke Urahara… Although why they seem to know one another so well… I don't know. _

_Anyways, I was sneaking out of the house when a blonde soul reaper went running fast – a lieutenant by her badge. She nearly ran into me, but I quickly backed into the shadows so that she wouldn't see me – if she did I'd have to kill her so that she wouldn't report it to her captain that I was there…_

_Then… Then she slapped my… My dad soundly and shouted "Why did you leave us, Taichou? Toushiro and I have missed you so much!"_

_He answered back "I was badly injured in the world of the living… I also sacrificed my powers to save a dying quincy… She was infected by a hollow and would have died had I not helped her… We fell in love and had children… I don't… I don't know what happened to Ichigo, but Yuzu and Karin are still here. Would you like to meet them, Rangiku?"_

_It was then I returned to Silbern, trying my best not to freak out… I've always known I wasn't pure Quincy – the hiss in my head and my unnatural healing skills a clear indication of this… But… But… I'm half __**shinigami**__? And part hollow?_


	4. Chapter 4

_What the hell?!_

_Does his Majesty know? I… I hope the strange feelings I've been feeling around him aren't due to my mixed heritage… _

_The others will kill me if they find out… Almost half shinigami and freaking __**hollow**__!... I can't tell anyone… I wonder… No… That's a bad idea… because… Because if I use those powers they might try to get me… No_

_I will only use my quincy powers, and the passive abilities of the other two beings I am – not that I know how to use any other potential powers…_

_ I'm not going to try and find out though. I am a _quincy.


	5. Chapter 5

_/another couple of short chapters. The next one will be longer I promise!_

_I... He…_

_ I nearly bit someone today. I was so hungry – I had slept in late and breakfast time had passed – then I got very busy and managed to miss lunch… I was sparring with a group of __weak__ lower-level quincy… There was one of them. He was a sneering piece of crap – constantly poking at me, because I'm younger than… Preeetty much everyone else. He was saying that a child shouldn't be training them, as I've had no experience fighting anything but weaker hollows…_

_He also said that I was a Stern Ritter only because of my "cute little ass" and not because of my power and prowess on the battlefield. I'm not sure what he meant, but I know he was insulting me… The others started in on me too, calling me all sorts of strange and probably-insulting things…_

_Everything went black after one of them tried to touch me… I woke to His Majesty's voice as I stood over their bloodied and whimpering forms… My hands were bloody and so was my uniform… His majesty drew me away from them, asking softy what had happened – I… I explained to him what they said and what they tried to do…_

_He pulled me away because I was about to tear one of their limbs oiff. With my teeth… I guess that explains the blood that I tasted in my mouth…_

_His Majesty ordered me to make sure to eat every meal, or at least to have several snack throughout the day, otherwise I'd do this again… Is it because of the fact that I am part hollow? I… I hope I'm not a danger to my fellow Quincy…_


	6. Chapter 6

_Dear Journal,_

_Some of the memories I've lost since I was captured by those Bastard Soul Reapers seem to be coming back… But they don't make any sense! For one thing, I don't remember ever having siblings – and I certainly don't remember that bearded moron who attacked me in the morning with such happy exuberance… _

_His Majesty and Haschwalth-sama both have told me that I have been raised in Silbern since I was very young – after my mother was killed by shinigami dogs for daring to be a Quincy and still live, and on the rare occasion I asked one of the others, they told me in brusque terms that I have always lived here, and served his majesty… None of them like me very much and I'm starting to see why…_

_I'm a gemichmidt Quincy and the rest of them are all pure… And of all things I'm part __**hollow**__ somehow… But that's not exactly my fault! Besides I… I am loyal to His Majesty… _

_I still feel that odd sort of floaty feeling around him… And it's intensifying. I don't know what it means, but I don't think it's a bad thing… At least for His Majesty. I end up looking like a stuttering fool in front of him, but I've been doing that for the past… Six months or so now… He wants to talk to me when he has some time free… Alone._

_I hope I'm not in any trouble! I've been very vigilant after the bloody encounter a couple of weeks ago and I've avoided those who triggered the attack! … But if I am to be stripped of my rank because of it, or to be punished for attacking fellow Quincy I will accept it without protest. It was after all, I who attacked first and they had done little to provoke me really._

_Haschwalth-sama has been very kind to me since the attack, helping me learn how to control my temper better. He's strong enough so that I… If I do black out again, I am certain that he will be able to restrain me. He's not His Majesty's second in command and Heir for nothing. I will be a good subordinate for His Majesty!_

_The shinigami are planning something. I heard several of the others talk about it, but they stopped as I got close. Maybe His Majesty is going to tell me what they are planning, or what I am to do to stop them? _

_Hopefully this meeting is a good thing… And that I won't make a fool out of myself. Usually I'm confident, no matter the situation, but if I so much as hear Ywhach-heika's voice my legs get all wobbly and it's easy for me to blush… A couple of the others tease me about it sometimes, something about a "puppy crush" whatever that means._


	7. Chapter 7

_Dear Journal_

_I… Don't know what to say…_

_During the meeting with his Majesty and Haschwalth-sama it was decided that I would allow myself to get "recaptured" by the shinigami, to find out what they are planning, as their head scientists have figured out a way to shut out the shadows in a couple of areas in the Soul society – or if they don't trust me enough, to figure out a way to bring the shadow-free areas down so that they can be dealt with easily._

_But… Why… Why would the Soul Reapers trust me? They captured and tortured me after all… To the point where my memories are blank slates…_

_Unless the shi ngami did some sort of programming in my mind, that would make me trustworthy? And… And His Majesty broke their hold over me? I do remember the first few days being awake were filled with fear and anger – at least from what I can remember… Because I had been captured by… By the Vandenreich – that they were going to hurt me or kill me or something like that…_

_But doing this will land the final, decisive blow against the soul society. Most of the captain and lieutenant class soul reapers have either been killed or are being captured and re-educated as to what their new positions in the Empire will be – only the hollowified captains and a handful of seated officers are struggling. The weaklings have all surrendered, terrified for their lives._

_Well, those that didn't die in a stupid charge a couple of weeks ago. His Majesty is keeping alive enough soul reapers to preserve the balance of souls, so that the innocent do not suffer because of the arrogance and cruelty of the soul reapers._

_I can do this. I'm going to allow several of my fellow Stern Ritter to beat me up pretty badly after changing into a tattered shinigami uniform and stagger into the court of pure souls, using a garganta courtesy of my hollow powers, and collapse near one of the shinigami encampments. Hopefully one or a couple of them will bring me in and I'll talk to whoever's in command… Well hopefully._

_If things get too bad, His Majesty says I can shadow travel back to Silbern, but only if I'm in true danger or they've discovered my true allegiance. I __**will **__succeed in this mission! It's the first I've been given since I've regained control over my powers and was saved…_

_But… There's something more going on, I'm almost sure of it… Is this a test of some kind? I will do my best to serve my king to the best of my abilities… I will act the best that I can and pray that soul reapers are as dull-witted as Stern Ritter believe they are._

_Still… There's something about this that doesn't ring quite true… Ah well, I'll figure out what's going on pretty quickly… I think. At least I'll try to stay out of as much trouble as possible and do well to please my king!_


	8. Chapter 8

_Dear Journal_

_Apparently the mission was a resounding success – I was told that I had lured most of the captain class soul reapers away from the encampments fairly easily and sweet talked them into sparring with me. I only remember entering the soul society and later waking up with them in chains and looking up at me as if I had betrayed them on a personal level as His Majesty strode towards me, a pleased smirk on his face. Which was directed. At me. Luckily I managed to keep my calm enough to give a report as to what had happened – at least as much as I remembered._

_His Majesty gently placed a hand on one of my shoulders and said that I had done well… Done well… He had said I had done well~ ah… Sorry! I just… He… His majesty is…_

_Oh hell. I still have that… Illness-thing about his majesty… I really think I should talk to someone about it but who could I trust not to go blabbing to some of the others or to his majesty without my permission or explaining first? Cang's got a good head on his shoulders… Maybe he'll know what's wrong with me?_

_Cang... He's one of the few of my fellow Stern Ritter who don't seem to almost hate me for reasons that I don't know... Or is very wary of me. Perhaps it's because we train together a lot? Most people see him as really aloof and haughty. As I've gotten to know him he's actually rather shy. He also doesn't want to deal with the majority of idiots that the other Stern Ritter are most of the time or the shenanigans that they get up to._

_I could ask Catnipp what this strange disease is but she likes talking about really boring things like hair and clothes and stuff. She also likes to drag me around and tease me and I really don't want to be teased about this... This... Whatever this is about his majesty._

_I'll just ask him if he's free soonish and that I'd like to have a chat with him… And then explain about the… The _thing _I feel for his majesty… It's like… A physical sensation… Several really. I get this weird twisting sensation in my stomach whenever I'm around him – like there are butterflies flying in there and I swear my heart is beating at the back of my mouth. I stutter around him and I blush so easily…_

_Gaaaah. What the hell is this? I've just… I've gotta make sure I don't tell Cang who specifically he is… Argh… I'm going to stop writing now._


	9. Chapter 9

_Dear Journal_

_That… That went well. I think. We had lunch together in a private area – just as I had asked. I told him what I was feeling – both the physical and emotional stuff about His Majesty (not telling Cang who it was of course) and asked him what it meant. I… I also babbled about being scared that it was a bad thing – that I might try to hurt whoever it was or that I was getting sick or something._

_Cang said that I was lovesick. I started to freak out when he explained to me that being lovesick meant that I had a crush on or was starting to fall in love with the person I was feeling this complicated mess of emotions for. He also said that depending on who I was crushing on it was best either to try and ignore these emotions as this person was already attached to someone else, or to find a quiet moment to confess what I felt for that person._

_He said there was a third option, which was to wait and see if these emotions developed further and if it would be a good idea to approach this person or to let the feelings die. He also said it depended on the rank of who the person was as well – given the fact that we both are stern ritter it's not encouraged to date the lesser ranked Quincy or kami forbid the arrancar._

_It was then that I had admitted that this person was of the highest tier of the Quincy. Not who of course and I just… I don't know what to do… But the answers he gave me were very helpful! I now know that I'm not a danger to anyone but myself, but that seems to be rather standard from what I am beginning to remember of my past before I had been captured by those bastard Soul Reapers._

_I just… I can't just go up to His Majesty and tell him that I'm lovesick for him. That… No. I'm almost certain that would end badly especially if we're in public… Besides he'd probably just think I'm confusing my loyalty to him and devotion for our cause to a… A.. A crush. I just… I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to do._

_But waiting and trying to sort out what I truly feel from him – apart from a deep respect and awe for His Majesty is what I think I should do first… Although how I do that I'm not sure. Still, I am determined not to be a bother for His Majesty and I will serve him to the best of my abilities, no matter my strange personal feelings…_

_Damn it. I forgot to ask Cang that…. But I'm not going to. Not at least for a couple of weeks or so. I don't want him to get too uncomfortable about this… But I don't really know any of the others well enough not to get teased horribly for how I feel and/or getting bullied into potentially telling them who I care for like that. And Haschwalth-sama is kind of scary. I also don't want to burden him with the troubles of a teenage idiot like me. Maybe a meditative technique would work? Or several…. Argh I'm starting to ramble. I'll see how it goes._


	10. Chapter 10

_Dear Journal_

_I've been having some very strange dreams. In some of them I am working for the shinigami, and I'm with a group of people whom I don't think I've ever met before – one of them has healing/shielding abilities, one is a fellow quincy – but I'm not a quincy… I'm a shinigami of all things – and the other has hand to hand combat/explosive powers…_

_My heart aches when I think of them. I don't know why, because I've never met them. Also this shinigami girl… Black hair and violet eyes… The same one as one of the shinigami I apparently lured to His Majesty… Her eyes have been haunting me too… But why? Why would I dream of such things, they don't make any sense what so ever…_

_No… This has to be some false memories implanted by the shinigami – They have the ability to wipe memories and put in new ones with humans and they could probably work on us too… I just… I really don't want this to affect me… Should I tell anyone of those memories? But who should I talk to? His majesty is so busy, Haschwalth-sama is still scary and the other stern ritter don't like me much… Well Cang is okay…_

_Gremmy scares me more than Haschwalth does. He pretends to be all sweet but he's not the Visionary for nothing… I've seen him go after a couple of weaker quincy who taunted him about being short. I couldn't even begin to explain the eldritch horrors the kid summoned in order to torment them as punishment. He stopped eventually and imagined them healed…_

_I have never seen people move as past as those three when they were finally let go. Gremmy didn't spot me and I left before he could. There is no way in hell I will ever go close to Gremmy. Not if I can help it by myself. I've got strength but his can screw people up in terrible, horrifying ways. Still…_

_Why would they implant that sort of memory into my head? It makes no sense… Because I can occasionally remember times where I'm getting kicked by that dark haired shinigami girl… Or arguing with my fellow quincy… I don't remember my past… Perhaps that's why I'm so unsettled? That memories are filling those empty spaces that aren't what His majesty hinted that they would be?_

_His Majesty… He's so strong and his voice… It's familiar but in a different sort of way… A bit lighter a bit kinder… Yes… His voice and face is quite familiar to me…_


	11. Chapter 11

_Dear Journal_

_I had a really vivid dream last night… I was in the uniform of a shinigami. A small black haired female who's been in my dreams before and a red-headed male… I was in the uniform of a shinigami again and I was talking to a Quincy trained in the older ways by his uniform and a large male whom I feel as if I should remember but don't… We were in a white hallway facing several other hallways and that we needed to split up in order to… It was so desperately important… and we were fighting so many people against long odds… To save… To save… To save someone I think… Or to rescue them from a fate worse than death? I just… I don't remember._

_The talk with Cang was… Postponed. After all… He… The Iron failed to kill a soul reaper captain and was nearly killed for losing and losing the bankai he had taken from the soul reaper he had ultimately failed to defeat… He was nearly dispatched by Haschwalth-sama for failure but his skin was too hard to cut… So he's on probation for now. I still wanted to talk to him about… Whatever the hell is affecting me but I got a note from him saying that me being seen with him would be a bad idea – I got this courtesy of Bazz-B who was all scowl-y and awkward and rather demanding as to why I wanted to talk to Cang all by myself._

_I… I… I told him that I had been feeling strange things and my stomach was all fluttery and I felt all warm and dizzy around a certain person and I wanted to ask Cang what I was coming down with or if it was a bad thing I was feeling these things… Bazz-B stared at me hard and demanded if I felt that way for Cang. I said no, as that was the truth… When he asked why I was asking Cang about it if he wasn't the one I felt those feelings for I told him that of the other Stern Ritter… He's been one of the few who's been welcoming of me. The rest of the others have all been reticent or almost openly hostile for reasons I don't know or can't remember._

_He stared at me for a good five minutes as if I'd grown a second head or started turning into a hollow. Bazz-B then asked how long I had known that most of the Stern Ritter were so hostile – including himself. I told him since I was rescued from the soul reapers. I then said that I didn't mention anything because I figured I had done something stupid to get myself caught or because there was something about. What I didn't say was I was also pretty sure that some of them were jealous that I have such a high letter, for someone so relatively young._

_Bazz-B continued staring at me for a while, twitched and sighed as if he hadn't realized something until that moment that he really should have. He then explained that I had something called love-sickness for someone. It's nothing dangerous… Except for me, if I do something really stupid, or if the person I have love-sickness for doesn't love me back, which is something that is a decent probability. He then asked me who I had this love-sickness for._

_I refused to tell him on the grounds that it was quite probably hopeless and I had no desire to be teased or the object for my affliction to be informed. He poked me about it for a little while, but I didn't say anything until he went away. Not the best way to handle the situation, but… I was the best I could come up with at the time._


	12. Chapter 12

_Dear Journal_

_Sorry for not writing for a couple of weeks, I've been busy and trying to fight off paranoia._

_I'm pretty sure I'm in a huge amount of trouble… But I don't know why! I haven't done anything I'm not supposed to have I? I know I don't remember all of the rules but I use my common sense and try not to start things…_

_Haschwalth-sama has been watching me more than usual and that makes me nervous. He's so quiet and there's just… Something about him that gives me the screaming heebie-geebies on the very occasional moment when we're alone together…_

_Several of the other Stern Ritter have been watching me more as well… Gremmy, Askin (who has a face that is familiar in a disconcerting sort of way… As if someone else wore a face like his and we didn't get along well or he hurt me terribly or something like that), Bambietta and her minions…_

_Maybe I'm being paranoid and self-centered. After all we're much busier what with breaking the shinigami idiots into being useful enough to live so that they can help maintain the balance of souls and cleaning up the last of the resistance._

_Strangely enough the soul reapers who were previously fighting surrender when they see me enter the battlefield. Sure I'm pretty strong but they can't be that terrified of me can they? After all, all I've done is lure several of their commanders into being captured…_

_But they all give me this look – as if their world has completely shattered around them and they cannot believe what they see in front of them. It's all very strange and it's really starting to get to me… I want to ask someone why they look at me like that but I have the distinct feeling that if I ask I will be lied to – or get into a __**lot**__of trouble as there are just some questions that you don't ask if you want to keep yourself intact the way you are._

_I've had a couple more of those nightmare dreams where I'm in the uniform of a shinigami and running around what looks like somewhere in the world of the living. In a couple of them I'm just running around with that dark haired soul reaper I caught the first time I returned to the soul society. Other times I'm in a group of strangers (along with Uryuu Ishida of all people, which is odd. Why would I know the Heir?)._

_Other times I… I… I dream of His Majesty… His voice and that smirk… his large hands on me and I just – I don't remember them very well but I wake up sweaty and sticky and…_

_That's enough of that I'm not going to write more about that and embarrass myself further. I have a meeting to go to soon and the last thing I need to be is flustered. _


	13. Chapter 13

_Dear Journal,_

_I think His Majesty suspects something of my feelings for him. He's been a bit… Different around me after I talked to Bazz and not-told him who I felt those feelings for… This lovesickness… Is it a bad thing? I mean… I do not feel any disloyalty to His Majesty while I feel these __**things**__ for him… On the contrary I seem to feel even stronger about serving him to the best of my ability at every turn, and that's a good thing, yes?_

_But… But on the other hand I feel cold and almost irritated when others talk to him and are close… Like Haschwalth-sama who still scares me… There's something off-putting about him. His eyes are full of knowledge and a kind of darkness that makes me nervous… Then again many of us have darkness and light within us, some have more of one than the other, but we all strive to serve our Emperor to the best of our abilities… Or at least that's what we are supposed to do._

_Then again I may be being self-centered as His Majesty has many tasks to do, and I am very grateful and honored for whatever attention, if any, he deigns to grace me with… But my heart yearns for more of his attention… _

_I got him to smile at something I had done. Not smirk, but actually smile. I had noticed that he hadn't eaten anything in four or five hours, so I raced off to the kitchens and made him a curry – not too hot but full of flavor and brought it over to him, along with a glass of one of his favorite wines when the throne room was clear of people… I can remember the conversation now…_

"You have brought me something, Ichigo?" He asked.

I nodded, blushing a little "I made you a curry heika. I noticed you hadn't eaten in a while."

"So you had the chefs make something for me? How kind of you."

"Uhm… Actually… I ah… I-made-the-meal-for-you."

"Could you please say that a bit slower? Old ears you know, Ichigo…"

"I…I… I made it for you myself… The chefs were out and as I do know how to cook… I h-hope you d-don't mind…" I was shaking at that point and redder than I have ever been in my life. I really hoped that he didn't mind that I had been so presumptuous as to make him a meal…

He… He smiled at me at that point, taking the food from me "I do not mind in the least, it smells wonderful, and I am certain that you made it with the greatest of care and attention to detail. I have not had this dish before… What is it called?"

"It's a yellow chicken curry… There are many different types of curry, and many are much spicier than this… I don't know how spicy you like things so I went for something fairly mild…" I managed to say without stuttering, though I paused for a bit longer at each sentence to keep my courage up enough not to stutter.

He… He then **chuckled** a little and beckoned me closer murmuring "I need to have my hands free to do paperwork – a dull task for the main part, but necessary to keep the proper functioning of this world. I am quite hungry however and would be most grateful if you fed me."

I nodded several times and I think I blushed even harder at the thought of feeding His Majesty (although I can't figure out why) and did as he instructed until the food was clear of his plate and he had finished drinking the glass of wine.

_After that he dismissed me with a small word of thanks, a hint of that warm, spine-tingling smile on his lips. I was shaking as soon as I got out of the throne room and collapsed to the ground after the doors closed, beet red. I pulled myself together and cleaned up what remained of what I had cooked and served His Majesty._

_I really hoped that He enjoyed the curry I made for Him… He seemed to enjoy it, but then again perhaps it was whatever was in the papers that he was signing and reading was good news. I have no idea what was written there as those papers are for His eyes and those he deems worthy enough to read them, and no one else, except the writers of course._


	14. Chapter 14

_Dear Journal,_

_What I didn't mention yesterday was the fact that I fed His Majesty over the course of a couple of hours, as he was very busy and occasionally needed to talk to other people. It was wonderful being able to spend so much time in his presence! He's so powerful and his reiatsu is calming for me…_

_But also there's something just the smallest bit unsettling about His Majesty as well… I don't know why and I don't like it at all! I would rather suffer lovesickness for the rest of my life than be wary of His Majesty when I haven't done anything wrong, or something that would warrant me being wary of him due to my own misbehavior…_

_I also had another nightmare last night… I was fighting someone with brown hair who looked a lot like Askin… Who then turned into a butterfly… Several times, getting scarier and uglier and more like a hollow with each evolution… We shattered mountains and fought one another to a standstill and yet…_

_ And yet I __**failed**__ to defeat him, even though while I was in the dream I was so desperate to use every last bit of my strength in order to stop him from doing something truly horrifying… I used some sort of attack that stripped him of his wings… But I was nearly dead with the amount of energy I had used and it felt as if I had destroyed part of my very soul to use it…_

_He was approaching me, blade in hand and talking to me… Probably to kill me… When I woke up just as he got within striking range._

_When I think back on the dream, and others I've had I get a jumble of feelings and emotions and flashes of thoughts and memories I don't remember ever having… Am I regaining my memories? Or did the shinigami __**do**__ something to me? I know that they once had the capability to wipe single memories from a living human's mind… _

_But did they figure out how to erase more than one? And to insert other memories, ones that favor them into others? If I… If I try to remember what happened before I was captured by the Soul Reapers, will I believe I belonged to them and… And…_

_I don't want to even __**think**__ about it, much less write it down. Those bastards did something to me and I don't… I don't want to lose what I have… I'm happy in Wandenreich – Cang is really nice and Gremmy is pretty cool when he's not being strangely terrifying…_

_The others are beginning to warm up to me I think – the stern ritter… I'm not supposed to really interact much with the lower ranked Quincy – something about being too strong for them to stand for too long due to not having full control or something?_

_I really do try to control my powers… It's just… Very hard sometimes and I feel as if… As if I'm missing something. When I spar with others I occasionally reach for something behind my back – but there is nothing there of course…_

_But what am I reaching for? I don't understand…_

_Do I want to? I don't know… I think it might be related to the memories I lost when I was captured by the soul reapers but I just… I can't tell…_


	15. Chapter 15

_Dear Journal,_

_I saw something today that I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to._

_It wasn't like top-secret or a dark revelation that caused me to re-think everything I know about the Wandenreich or my place in the world or whatever…_

_I was walking in the halls when I heard odd gasping and grunting sounds – kind of like when two people are having a wrestling match or a fistfight when you're not angry and screaming at the other person… And I rushed forwards because occasionally people fight – and besides there might be a breach in Silbern's defenses and if so I was going to help…_

_Instead of that when I rounded the blind corner I saw Bazz and Cang kissing and touching one another all over the place! I stuttered an apology for disturbing them because they stopped kissing as soon as they saw me and looked like I had caught them doing something naughty… Or something private as they were out in a hallway._

_Cang apologized and dragged Bazz into his room (which was the next door on their left (and away from me). There were more of those noises as their door swung shut and I ran as fast as I could away from both of them. I am pretty sure I could have passed for an overripe tomato if anyone had seen me on my way to the library._

_I searched through books on physical fighting exercises but what they were doing wasn't anywhere in there… I also looked in medical textbooks and it said something about "physical touch and kissing can lead to sexual arousal…" and went on to explain what that meant and I went redder than I have ever had in my life._

_It talked about male to female s… Sex but they are both guys as far as I can tell… So I… I um… Might have researched a little into how that's done. Purely to sate my curiosity of course!_

_Not because when I had found out what kissing and touching like that could do to a person I had imagined kissing a… A certain person. That would be ridiculous. I am focused on the tasks that His Majesty has set before me to do in order to overcome the last of the shinigami's rebellion as at this point the leaders have surrendered to us, in order to spare at least some of the soul reapers' lives._


	16. Chapter 16

_Dear Journal,_

_I was in charge of overseeing several Soldat shifting around a couple of high level prisoners – one at a time to prevent any trouble in case one of the "foolish shinigami" as His Majesty calls them tries to create any mayhem or escape us- today._

_It took most of the day to get both of them to the other side of the prison block. Part of it had to do with the fact that she kept struggling and pleading for __**me**__ of all people to help her and the others try to deal with Yhwach… I'll write down what startled… Startled me the most about our conversation._

_She said, eyes full of tears and desperation "Ichigo please! I know that you're in there somewhere… You're the only one capable of defeating Yhwach, Hell take his blasted soul! He hasn't broken you fully… I know that you're in there somewhere… Please… Stop being this empty shell for him to play with as he likes…"_

_I growled at her looming over her tiny form (though she did seem familiar… And not just because she was one of the shinigami I had helped to capture a while ago) "His Majesty is a Just and Fair leader. He can be stern and harsh, but only when such measures are needed. He can be kind as well as cruel. If you continue to be stubborn there is not much that can be done for you in your current state. Your personality will be broken down and you will be put back together as someone useful and productive for the Wandenreich."_

_She stared up at me, her violet eyes filling with tears (something wrenched in my gut at that – for some reason I really seemed to not like that I had managed to truly upset her so much) "Oh Ichigo… What have they done to you? I begged them to allow us to run a rescue operation to save you… But we couldn't figure out how to get into this awful place… I know you… The real you not this __**thing**__ he created in your place is somewhere…"_

_I yelled at her about how the soul reapers had been the ones to capture me a couple of months ago and had managed to wipe my memories up until I had been rescued from their clutches, and that whatever so-called personality that she had seen of me was something that they had constructed so that I would be their obedient toy soldier._

_She stopped struggling for a while after that. I know I should be happy that I had managed to get through to her, so that she would submit calmly at least a little to what His Majesty wanted of her (even if it was something as simple as a cell transfer) but something lurched inside of me and I've been feeling rather… Off since._

_Probably just the lingering effects of whatever the hell the soul reapers did to me. Some sparring with a couple of the others should get me back to normal._

_But not Bazz or Cang. I still can't look at them every time we happen to cross paths and as they can't seem to look at me too much either I suppose the awkwardness between the three of us is mutual. Bambietta asked about it in a rather loud voice today and I said that there had been nothing wrong and that she was imagining things._

_Cang and Bazz agreed with me quickly… Maybe a little too quickly as we were all squinted at suspiciously for the rest of lunch._

_I want to kiss His Majesty ._


	17. Chapter 17

_Dear Journal,_

_That was one of the most awkward and uncomfortable moments in my life… At least that I remember. I want to curl up into a ball in my bed and die… But then I wouldn't be useful to His Majesty… And I really do want to be useful to His Majesty, the worsening lovesickness aside. _

_So… The healers… Well… I went to them in the mornings, as they usually aren't busy until at least halfway through the day when people have managed to find trouble, get into it and out by either themselves or someone who cares for them and over to the healers._

_I didn't sense anyone except for the healers… Which was why I quietly asked to talk in private with one of them, saying that I was feeling strangely, but would like to talk about why alone. All of the healers for some reason went very still and watchful as the head healer herself decided to take what I wanted to talk to them about personally._

_As soon as the door to her office was closed I started babbling about how I was feeling around a … certain person and how distracted I would get in their presence or if their name was present or I sensed them close at hand. I went on to say that I went into the library to figure out what it was in the medical books but I couldn't figure it out from them… When I asked a fellow stern ritter (again not saying who told me, as I didn't want them to potentially get into trouble… Or someone telling His Majesty that I was suffering from Lovesickness… Especially for Him… I'm not sure why but I desperately do not want Him to find out… Just the thought of it terrifies me utterly… It is not that I fear that He will take advantage of it but that I will be cast out… Cast away from his side for this… This illness!) what it was and they told me that I was suffering from lovesickness and that it might pass or it might get worse._

_That, I told her, had been a couple of weeks ago and this lovesickness continued to fester and I… I was afraid… and still am it will diminish my usefulness to our Cause and that I could become a liability because of this sickness._

_The head healer looked at me with a great deal of pity and understanding in her eyes… And then told me that it was not a physical illness that they could cure, or a mental calamity that could be corrected by therapy. It was an emotion I was feeling. It was something called 'romantic affection' for another person and it was something that everyone felt from time to time. She said that it could either pass with time, or deepen and develop into Love which was a lot more difficult to wrench oneself away from. She then asked me who I felt this for._

_I shook my head and started stammering about not wanting to tell – as I wasn't sure if I wanted to feel this way towards the other person and didn't want to inconvenience them with my own foolish emotions._

_She scowled at me and then ordered me to tell her, as the head medic of Silbern, who I was "falling in love with, you stubborn child!"_

_I don't want to fall. Falling can and often does lead to pain and love sounds terrifying. But I told her in a whisper that it was His Majesty I was feeling these feelings for._

_She was very quiet for a while, and then patted my head again, saying that I wasn't the first to develop feelings for His Majesty, and that it was something that happened fairly regularly. She said that the respect I held for him, along with admiration and other positive emotions was combining in a way that was similar to Love, but wasn't. it was True Loyalty to His Majesty, which was a good thing. I was confusing True Loyalty for lovesickness because I was young and hadn't experienced either before._

_I hope she's right… I don't want to be distracted by lovesickness or Love… Even if it's for His Majesty, because I get all strange and silly when I'm around him and that can't be good for anyone._

_Especially me…_


End file.
